Life

Every January I pull out my brand-new journal and I start a list of this year’s resolutions.

Some of them get carried over from last year’s list, unfortunately (like: lose at least ten pounds). 

Some of them are new and daring. Some, completely unrealistic – but somehow they make the list.

This year I decided to give the list a makeover. Shake things up a little. Why not? All these past years the resolutions were forgotten and neglected sometime around March. Just to be partially resurrected next January. How’s that for a productive and successful year?

I believe that you must have a plan for your new year. There have to be some goals to be attained, some milestones achieved, some deadlines met. If you don’t know where you are going, how will you know when you got there?

So first I decided to choose a word that will symbolize this year for me. I usually have so many plans and goals and desires, I want to do so many things, that, eventually, I get lost and do not complete the majority of them.

After long deliberations that took almost the whole January (!!!) I decided on my word.

CLARITY

I want clarity this year. I need to be clear on what I really want from life. Who do I want to become to have what I want. What questions do I need to ask to make this year different for myself?

The word brought me immediate peace of mind. It almost magically sent me on a journey filled with ideas, plans, and dreams. I understood that to have it all this year, I must first choose ME.

I must prioritize myself. I must practice self-love first. I need to put myself at the top of each day. I must start being important enough to eat well, sleep well and live well. 

Which brings me to self-care. I must make time for myself. My family, friends, and my job cannot come before me – no more! I am worth the daily effort of caring for this body, mind and everything else that makes me Me.

To some it might sound selfish. Self-centered. Mean.

I call it self-prioritizing. I learned a long time ago that I could not please everyone. And if I please someone, but as a result I will now be in conflict with my true self, then that definitely is not self-loving nor self-caring.

It also became clear to me that I must be consistent in my conviction and actions. I can’t just do it once a week or a few times a month. No. Each day will be focused on building Me up, nurturing Me, loving Me. And once I am consistent and the habit of self-care and self-love is grounded, then something miraculous will happen.

 I will be more efficient. I will be so fed and cared for, that I will want to spread it to others without ever again thinking: “What about ME?” 

I will be so fulfilled that helping others will be a desire, not a chore or inconvenience. I will be so accomplished in my life, that serving others will be a joyful mission, not a burden.

I also decided to be more adventurous this year and I vowed to have new experiences this year. I will write down every new thing I try this year and at the end of the year I might find myself amazed at how many new ventures I had. I settled for twenty new things as it is 2020, but if I manage to exceed it, then that’s just a bonus. You can track other ideas like: 

1.Visits 20 new restaurants.

2.Read 20 books.

3.Cook 20 new recipes in one month.

4.Eat 20 meatless dinners in one month.

5.Help 20 strangers.

I am very excited about this upcoming year! I know it will definitely be different than the past ones, because my intentions and my mindset has changed.

I changed, therefore, everything will change for me!

Guess what I found tucked away in the back of my closet – a vision board I created in 2008. That year I decided to change my life and I involved myself in a multi-level marketing business selling skin care with the hopes of becoming rich and financially independent. My vision board was filled with magazine cut-outs representing the things I wanted as a result of my new career and success: a dream home, a luxury car, exotic vacations and leisure time spent sipping cocktails surrounded by my friends and family. I smiled at each image and then thought to myself: “So, what happened? Why am I not there?” We are still at the same house, NOT driving a luxurious car, still heavily relying on my nursing job to meet our financial obligations, still dreaming of a better life …

The vision board did not help much, obviously. The new business, well, I know I did not treat it as such, it was more of a hobby, I did have a real job, after all … Who knows what could have and would have happened had I really invested all my effort and time in it …

As the years went by, I learned a lot, though. I realized that no vision board or New Year’s resolutions, or list of goals would guarantee this new life. The only thing that matters is ACTION.

A lot of what I did was pretending I was working towards a change. I bought yet another book on a start-up business, I watched motivational videos, I read blog posts and articles – all with the intent of preparing myself to take action and start working on my goals.

I finally realized it was all excuses.

I needed to stop pretending to be working on my dreams.

I needed to make a commitment and show up for myself.

I started to take action. Some of the steps I took were spontaneous, some had to be schedule. And out of new respect for myself, I’d show up at the scheduled appointment with myself and perform a planned task. It took time and effort. It was painful at times. I sacrificed watching some of my Netflix shows or going out with my girlfriends. But, a new habit of doing was created in me, and I just kept on going. Today, my mindset is different. I still read motivational books and watch videos, but I immediately put in action what I learned and it amazes me how many of new ideas and strategies I learned.

Here is a list of things you can do to make changes that do not require a major effort, but will start a new thinking and a shift in your perception of yourself and your future.

Is it true?  Are words just words? Isn’t that what we tell ourselves and our children when someone’s comments hurt us?

Words are powerful. Either spoken or written, they help us communicate and express ourselves. Unfortunately, words can be negatively charged, and as such, can affect our lives. Our perceptions, attitudes and interpersonal relations can become depressing and pessimistic.  WE are responsible for whatever we speak, write or text. We must, therefore, be careful about the words we use, and always remember that impulse texting or emailing in a near-conflict situation might result in misunderstanding, miscommunication, or even and argument. If you feel yourself getting upset, maybe wait a bit, cool down, and then respond. It’s more difficult to keep your composure when speaking in person, as very often our body language and facial expressions will tell what we really want to say. At least when you are on the phone, you can say you have another call and will call back to finish the unpleasant conversation. When faced with negativity in person, practice a smile, no matter how fake at that moment, and try to speak slowly to create some time for your brain to formulate the right answer. Unfortunately, words, once spoken, cannot be erased…

But it’s not only words themselves that carry weight. Sometimes, the way we combine them in a sentence will result in not quite the message we meant to convey …

Take the word “but”, for example.

“I love my new baby, but he keeps me up at night.”

When I was young, I was very adventurous. I lived for the day, spending my money, time and energy as I pleased. Sometimes my decisions were frugal, sometimes they were carefree. And that was fine for then.

But, thankfully, we go through seasons in our lives. Our perceptions, values and attitudes towards life change with time. And that’s fine too, otherwise life would have been so boring and so predictable!

Sometime around my early forties I started to cherish a slower pace. A quiet evening with my husband, a delicious meal we prepared together, a memory we created playing as a family – it all became more important than running after new things, new activities, new life experiences somehow validating that we are living the best version (social media approved) of our life. That new way of thinking and living continued to evolve with each year that passed. I now started to crave a change in my life that would reflect my new attitude. I felt I have matured – maybe even got wiser?

And I noticed that I started to look for more luxury in my world. For more sophistication, elegance and poise. I asked myself a simple question: What is it that felt luxurious to me? Was it clothes, jewelry, exotic vacations or a new spacious and modern house? So I searched the net, the movies, the magazines, the books. I studied people, cultures and trends.

And I found it. I realized that what I craved was already deeply rooted in me, in my European descent. Being raised in Poland, I traveled through Europe frequently. I lived in Rome, I lived in Vienna. I admired the architecture, the culture, the art and the feel of history and tradition in places I visited.  I loved watching  people from different backgrounds, all breathing and living the European lifestyle. And I noticed that the “mature” women were mostly very well put together, very chic and elegant and that they had charm. And somehow the essence of of elegance and chic has been forever captured by the French women – Catherine Deneuve, anybody?

Are you a yeller when it comes to your kids? Do you find yourself screaming at them almost all the time? You only told them to clean after themselves fifty times, but who’s counting … So you scream, because when you use your normal, human voice, they seem to somehow be immune to it and not hear you at all? Do you feel like a failure every time you raise your voice? Why don’t they just listen?

It’s a million dollar question. You’ve explained the rules, you’ve shown them what to do, how to make the bed, how to put the dirty clothes away in the hamper. You’ve repeated the instructions again and again. They are smart. They speak English. They make appropriate eye contact and nod as if they understand. And then something happens, and things go wrong again.

So you scream. And they don’t even care, it seems. They got used to it. The screaming now is the new “normal” voice. And you got conditioned, like the Pavlov’s dog – you see your children and you start raising your voice.

I stopped screaming when I got a glimpse of my face in the living room’s  mirror. I was in the process of explaining for the hundredth time why the cat litter had to be changed regularly. I looked like a possessed person in need of immediate exorcism. I scared myself. And I thought: “This is how they going to remember me – looking like a monster!”

So we care about our looks. How we present ourselves. The clothes, the make-up, the hair. Our image is important to us, it defines who we are in the society and it secures our value. So we wear what’s trendy, and eat according to the latest craze, and we do our brows and lashes as seen in the latest tutorial. And we go to the gym and work on our muscles, and tire our core while sipping a cleansing juice.

Also, it all must be somehow captured by Instagram or Snapchat, and posted on Facebook for all to see how fabulous we are.

Guilty as charged. Busy, busy, busy …

But, then, a thought sprouted somewhere in the bellows of my heart …

When was the last time I went to my MENTAL GYM?

What is the state of my emotions? While perfecting the art of multitasking and proving to myself and the Internet that I can have it ALL, am I even happy? Am I peaceful and in harmony or am I running a stress game?

What about my fabulously busy children? The pictures don’t lie – they in sports, in dance, in painting classes; they are so smart and make me so proud …

Are THEY happy? Do they even know what happiness is? When was the last time you spoke to your children or your spouse about the concept of Inner Peace?

Did you know that if you are on the phone and you are smiling, the person you are calling can tell you are actually smiling?

There is a subtle change in your voice that cannot be mistaken for anything else but a smile. It is a secret of the best sales people and it’s a skill required to be perfected during training.  Because people are such reactive creatures, we reflect – subconsciously – what we see, hear, or sense. A smile on someone’s face will inevitably elicit one on yours.

Why do we like to see smiling people? Because we think they are happy. Because they are happy, we assume their lives must be better than ours -more exciting and satisfying. They are seen as the “lucky ones”. They must either have loads of money or connections to have this advantage of happiness.

Happiness is a personal responsibility of every person on this planet, though. Regardless of your status, background or ethnicity, you must create your own happiness. Don’t expect others to make you happy. Things and toys won’t make you happy. More money will not increase your happiness. More money will only make you more of who you already are.